What an odd day.. Usual “nightmares” which completely take control of my mind and emotions. It’s like being suddenly stripped of all self control.. and seriously questioning why you’re even here for. Went out.. to just .. be out.. Some random scary lookin guy was all like “Hmm..It’s a bad day! I can see some problems for you!” and left. What the fuck? That tripped me out..
Whatever..not in the mood to write anymore…probably later..
Holy fucking crap.. Ashlyn was talking about some whore and so on.. For crying out fucking loud; How dumb are some people!? This is EXACTLY the type of shit I’m talking about. I can’t find someone.. for who the fuck knows why. But these fools can get someone who is so wonderful in everyway.. but YET STILL do stupid ass things. These fucking people don’t deserve shit. I would fucking wipe you all from existence if It wouldn’t hurt someone else. Seriously, if someone takes time out of THEIR day to come SEE YOU.. uhm shouldn’t that say something? Nah, let’s go party with whores instead.
To me, that’s completely retarded.
But hey, I’m retarded too.. I want to kill myself over someone, but don’t want to.. because I’ll never see them ever again. What a dilema..I hate sounding so suicidal and junk, but that’s just how it is. I don’t give two fucks about life. I’m here.. because I don’t wanna lose her.. even though I don’t have her :S I’m just invisible anyways.
No one knows ANYTHING. People say I talk shit.. People will be surprised when something horrible happens soon.
That’s a promise.
Oh so… it was about nine AM.. for whatever reason I had the urge to get out of bed and turn my computer on, despite the previous night and completely hating the world today. Stripped off all my stupid spikes,chains and random objects.. and tried to look somewhat presentable. What the hell… It didn’t even take any thought.. untill I realized and was like.. “Wtf am I doing” Why am I changing my appearance for the person It turned out I was going to go see. Odd..
Nice to be there and all…kinda slows down time and momentarily feel somewhat .. free from myself. Just fucking stupid to even feel anything at all, since it’s completely irrelevant. I never do end up getting to talk about or say things I entirely want to, even just about the shit that’s going on in my fucked up head. Sure..I know everyone has problems..and I’m not the only one. But everyone else seems to have someone helping them through it all…She’s the only one who ..maybe cares.. enough to atleast listen. But that just spirals back down to everything being pretty much irrelevant. I know she.. doesn’t want me to hang on .. I just wish she had some fucking clue how hard that still is.
Most people don’t stand out to me; I’m not a fan of fake, sluts or people who play complete mind games – and sadly enough, this town is fucking littered with them. I saw someone who.. I thought I could concentrate on, and leave the other one behind.. That just doesn’t fucking work.
How do you find someone..When you haven’t found yourself? How do you set someone free..When you’re completely lost.
There’s still so much .. that nobody knows about me. Maybe someday..however that’s unlikely.
So.. it’s been about four hours since I’ve been drinking.. everything’s sorta spinning and I feel dixzzy. Sure takes a long time to type stuff.. hehe. I’m just.. so fucking confused about everything.. about life, about myself.. I hate feeling so useless.. never knowing what to say. It’s like I’m fucking retarded…but im not.
Nobody knows me at all anymore.. it really hurts. The things I want…I can’t have, or.. just would never have. Love..What a flipping stupid concept; Why do people end up loving someone who doesn’t give two shits in return? Who knows. Let’s use an example.. There’s a girl I knew, and that I know. I would kill for her, give up anything I’ve ever had or wanted..but it doesn’t matter. For one.. there’s always someone else in my way. Two, She really had no idea. Probably because she doesn’t want to understand.. but whatever. She think’s im compeletely stupid.. You really don’t know how much I think about you.
Or there’s the other aspect of love; Having strong feelings for someone.. that most likely doesn’t and wouldn’t ever feel the same. It’s during these times.. I sometimes wonder, Should I try? and risk looking and feeling more like an idiot then before? Or just let it go… and continue to hurt inside. It’s such an annoying aspect of life.. that I wish I wouldn’t have ever felt..because feeling distraught, lost and alone.. is not enjoyable.
What to say..what to do…when..where…how… All these things have slipped away from me, It’s like …someone… stole my soul when they left. But then someone tells you.. just go do this, or that. It makes me angry.. and it goes back to the whole thing about people not knowing who I am. I don’t like to assume things, Especially about other people. I don’t want to fail.. so many times don’t even try with someone. I sometimes think.. “Ah..By doing this, I’ll never know.” ..But sometimes wondering.. is better then knowing. Atleast in theory…
I want to get to know..her… but don’t think she feels the same. It adds to all my problems.. and eats away at me, day and night. I hate this… I just wish I had some clue.
Lightless.
Nothing can be seen.
No appearance.
Just nothing.
Senses heighten.
Hearing, feeling, smelling.
Large pupils,
Elevated fear.
Can you feel it?
Every little movement.
Heard. Felt.
In the emptiness.
Vulnerable.
Easily scared.
Paranoia at its extreme.
Blackness all around.
Do you know it?
The loneliness.
Engulfing instantly.
Darkness.
